woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
