i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
