just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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