I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
