What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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