I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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