tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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