i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just high enough for therapy.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
