Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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