I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
