Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
