this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
