Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
