you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
