he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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