Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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