Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
