OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You're a waste of cheezeits
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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