TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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