The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Randomize
