So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
