My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Never joke about your clitoris.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
