When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I would ride that face into the sunset
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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