He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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