Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
