I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
