I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
