final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize