did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
