Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
