I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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