No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just gargled with NyQuil
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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