there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I want to walk on stilts...naked
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
