Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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