I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
