she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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