Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
