My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize