the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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