she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
