Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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