My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
