Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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