Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
