mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
