yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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