Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize