My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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