i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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