at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
