but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
