sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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