my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
