he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
