K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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