No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
