but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
