I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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