ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
this hospital has no fireball
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
