Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
