Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Randomize
