do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
